I originally wrote this letter to my two younger sisters shortly after I married in 2015. Perhaps you may find something helpful here.
Only take advice from people you would want to trade places with.
Everyone has advice about dating. From single people to married (happily or unhappily), everybody thinks they know what you need to do in your dating life. In my opinion, most people are wrong most of the time. They’re wrong because everyone’s experience is different. Everything from how you meet, how you interact, how you love, how your relationship (in dating and in marriage) is your very own. “There are as many loves as there are hearts.” -Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina. So, to start out my letter about love advice, I want you to know that this was what I learned from my own personal journey. If it helps you, then that is great. If not, toss it out. I found that as I received advice, I often felt a prompting at what was true and a blank-ness about what was not.
Negativity & Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
On that note, do not let anyone fill your mind with doubt or negative self-fulfilling prophecies. This is true in every area of your life, but especially dangerous with dating and relationships as your marriage will be a most sacred thing. When people say things like, “the first year is the hardest” or “marriage is hard,” they mean that is was hard for them. That has nothing to do with you, so forget it. Marriage is what you choose to make it. If you decide it is hard, then you will do things that make it hard, and it will be hard. Marriage is happy and wonderful for many people. They are usually quiet because they don’t need to be loud about it. Just because a loud minority complains does not mean marriage is that way.
Spiritual Dating
The most important thing I learned about dating (dating to marry) is that it is a spiritual thing. I did not meet my future husband until marriage was my righteous desire and I made a point of fasting and praying for a righteous husband. (Not that it came on my time schedule at all, but that was my reality all the same.) Staying close to Christ as a single person is the single most important thing you can do in dating. It does not mean that heartache won’t be a part of your journey, but the Lord will help you even if He lets you learn along the way.
Getting Answers
Don’t be worried when the Spirit doesn’t hand write you a letter for each step of your relationship. You are supposed to “study it out in your mind” and decide for yourself. Personally, I felt that I had very little spiritual confirmation while I was dating, which was frustrating. That was my experience, but yours may be different. Deciphering between your personal feelings and the Spirit can be very difficult. Again, it is so important to stay close to Christ.
Eventually, you need to be willing to act. Sometimes that means breaking up. Sometimes it means getting engaged. If you stay stagnant for too long and are unwilling to show the faith to act, you will not get an answer and you will hold yourself and the person you are dating back from progression.
Is He the One?
Everyone has a different answer for this. Here are a few things that helped me see the difference between the many good, good guys I dated and the one guy I dated who I wanted to marry.
Do I respect him?
Am I proud of him?
Am I excited to introduce him to others?
Would I be proud if my son turned out like him?
Will he help me accomplish the things I want to do in this life? Will he help me reach my potential?
Again, this isn’t doctrine, just what worked for me. A foundation of mutual respect lasts much, much longer than any twitterpation or attraction.
The last question is especially important. God has a very specific plan for you in this life, and you need to marry someone who will support you in achieving great things.
“Of course I am not worried about intimidating men. The type of man who will be intimidated by me is exactly the type of man I have no interest in. -Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
Attraction
I think attraction is vastly different for men and women. Men seem to decide in about 30 seconds and women can change their minds drastically. I mean, if you’re repulsed by someone- I doubt that is going to change. But someone who you may feel very platonically about may become very attractive as you come to know him more. But attraction and googly eyes and love are absolutely important! You may not feel it the way everyone else does, but you have to really love someone and be attracted to them if you want to invest your eternity in them. Do not settle.
Settling
You may come to find that things you once thought were important aren’t as important as you thought. For example, I used to think listening to the same music was really a big deal. If someone listened to the same exclusive artists as me, that must mean we were meant to be. Remember The Format? I remember liking a guy just because we both loved that band. A few months after I got married to someone who can probably name like 3 modern singers, I was listening to an old CD by The Format and realized I didn’t even like the band much anymore. Some things are so worth settling on and some should not even be questioned. (Never settle on moral standards!)
Fireworks
Also, I have been on a few first dates or met guys a few times where everything was just WOW from the beginning. I just felt an instant click, and it was so exciting! One guy specifically was so charismatic. Everyone adored him, but I soon realized that the awe-inspiring click I felt with him was only because of his charisma. Everyone who met him felt that way because he was a genuine and charming person, which is great, but it just so happened that we actually didn’t have much in common and the fireworks quickly subsided. Don’t worry if you don’t feel fireworks for some time. Some couples may feel fireworks right away (and should probably see how long those fireworks actually last) and other couples will experience something not so instant, but every bit as beautiful.
The 10 Date Rule
I had a friend that questioned how different her relationships would turn out if her dates had to go on 10 dates with her. She is a little shy and it takes some time to appreciate her quirky sense of humor, in my opinion. That idea was so fascinating to me. People are just so different deep down than what we see on the surface. How you feel about people changes drastically, the more you learn about them. I am not suggesting that you go on 10 dates with every guy, but do consider that the judgments you made so quickly on a first date may not be the whole story.
A Life Most Beautiful
Never settle on happiness. For some reason, young single adults in the church love to quote Spencer W. Kimball when he said,
“it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”
And they add their own interpretation of, “well we are both good so we might as well just get married.” I believe that is a lie and not at all what Pres. Kimball intended. They refer to only half of the quote. The beginning is
“every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful…”
Hello?! Why sign up to “pay the price” instead of choosing someone with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful?
I also think that love, meaning a bond founded on mutual respect, is more important than ever. Sure, lots of people in the past relied on arranged marriages, but marriages are up against more difficult odds than ever. Life is hard. Marriage can be something that makes life easier. The argument for ‘2 good people so just go for it’ just isn’t enough.
Comparison
I often worried while I dated that I would get married and realize there was someone better out there for me. Well it turns out I was right, but when it came to my husband, I didn’t care anymore because I just wanted to be with him. Could there possibly be someone more handsome or more funny or someone who listens to music more like the kind I like? Sure. But I searched to find someone that I thought my life would be beautiful and happy with, and when I found him, I didn’t need to worry about that anymore.
Anxiety & Doubt
Marriage is literally the biggest decision of your whole life. So, if you don’t feel any anxiety, I think you are weird. But again, everyone is different. Everyone laughs about how I almost broke up with my now husband on our first date, but honestly I almost broke up with him so many times because dating is just freaking crazy and marriage is scary and – ya, you get it. I get it. Dating is hard. Anxiety is normal and ok. The only real resolution I know for this is to trust in the Lord. Despite the anxiety I felt, I feel like the Lord put my husband and I in a situation where I could overcome the things that caused my anxieties and fears. Recognize that you have anxieties and face them and deal with them. Try to separate yourself form your anxieties to see what they are based on. Are your concerns real and reasonable? I definitely felt anxieties when I was dating not-the-ones and I should have listened sooner. I felt anxieties with my the-one, but I worked through them. On the day we got married, I felt no more anxiety or concern as we walked into the temple.
Physical
So talking about physical things can be a little awkward. (Here’s one good test for whether what you’re doing is appropriate, are you too embarrassed to talk about it out loud? If so, you shouldn’t be doing it.) Ok, I’m not just trying to lecture you on being good girls and not touching boys. I know holding hands and kissing is way fun. So fun in fact that it can cloud your judgment really quickly, and your body will crave the physical affection to the point that your body can convince your mind to stay in a relationship you shouldn’t be in.
Being physical is not only about chastity, but also honesty. Ask yourself if what you are expressly physically matches what your feeling emotionally. If holding hands means I like you, and a peck means I like you a whole lot, then passionate kissing means I’m really in love with you. If you are passionately kissing someone you don’t love, you are lying to them.
Another test is to go a week or a month without physical affection. Is there anything left? Too many couples rely on physical affection and find that it just won’t carry them through difficult or frustrating times. Don’t let your body trick you and don’t use your body to lie to someone else. When you are too physical, you block the spirit from warning you about a bad relationship and even from confirming a good relationship.
When He’s Not the One
This one is awful. Really awful. I honestly think one of my break-ups was one of the biggest trials of my life thus far. It feels goofy to talk about, but it shook me hard. But I learned so much from it and for all the times I felt awful and weak, it actually made me that much stronger. “Telling the truth and making someone cry is better than telling a lie and making someone smile” -Paulo Coelho. As time passed, I realized one of the biggest mistakes I made in that (and maybe a few other) relationships was that to make someone happy, I lied. I lied to myself about how I really felt, and I lied to him, too. I wanted so much to be happy and in love and I cared so much about him that instead of ending things I just kept telling myself I liked him more than I did. In the end, I caused a lot more grief than ever would have been necessary if I had just been honest that my feelings were just not there or just not as strong as his. This doesn’t always mean a break-up, but you should be honest about it so you can decide what is the right thing to do.
(Wo)Men Are that They Might Have Joy
Marriage should be happy! Your husband should be someone that brings you joy! This seems obvious, but I think sometimes it gets buried under the checklists and anxieties of making the right choice. But really, we make it harder on ourselves than we need to. Look for real joy. Not fleeting happiness or twitterpation, but joy that is lasting and sweet. And when you do find it, be willing to make sacrifices for it. “When we love, it is easy and a joy to give, and there is no compulsion about it.”